This blog post is going to be different than what I normally talk about. It’s actually something that I wrote three month’s ago, but was too chicken to publish. In all honesty, I’m nervous. I’ve experienced some pretty toxic relationships at an unfortunately early age. For the most part, I’ve only shared some of those stories with people close to me. However, I am willing to challenge myself. Continue reading and I will share one of my most vulnerable stories with you.
The Illusion of Perfection
When I met you I was ready to feel loved again. I had survived a 2 year long recovery from the narcissistic hands of love and I knew this time, it would be different. You had made mistakes in your past relationship, but you were growing from them. After all, who hasn’t made a mistake or two while being in love. I decided not to let that define you and love who you were now. We were..
Soon, your dogs knew me by my scent and your family adored me. But while the future looked so bright, my friends kept saying “You’re doing it again.” They insisted that I was falling prey to another unhealthy relationship, and I feared that relapsing would destroy me for good. I walked away. Then when my friends turned out to not really be my friends, I came back to you. We were..
Sometimes, I could taste the doubt on your tongue, the doubt that I would really stay this time. I wanted to prove to you that I would stay and be dedicated to us. But then you wanted to move in with me and when I had doubts you labeled me as a cheater. You painted me into a monster, reaching into the past and shouting that I HAD LEFT YOU BEFORE. I could feel the hands of your heart tightening around my throat and this time I couldn’t breathe. I knew this pain and I knew the signs, so I forced you out. After all, I knew better. And even still, within a month I let you back into my heart and we were living together. We were..
The first time you lied to me was when I confronted you about sleeping with a friend of mine. You said no and I chose to believe you because you hadn’t lied to me before. But one night at dinner, I told you I loved you and that I was so happy to have someone like you. I was feeling strong about our relationship and I wanted you to know I had complete faith in us. You must have felt guilty because suddenly you said “I have something to tell you…” My heart broke. I understood that we were on a break when it happened, but that’s not what hurt me. What hurt me was that you lied. We were..
You lost your job, and you struggled to find a new one. But I was there for you, I supported us. I took on the bills, the groceries and I got a second job so that you would feel supported. But one weekend, I went out of town with a work group. I called and texted you both days, but even that didn’t settle your insecurity about me cheating. I figured as long as I was faithful and truthful, I had nothing to worry about. But when I got back, I saw messages on your phone to another girl. You asked her for nudes and in the midst of my anger, I couldn’t believe you defended your action by saying “It’s not a big deal.” We were..
I left again to visit my mother in Colorado, and you chose not to join me. I was happy to finally get a break because home was where I was pinched for cash. Home was where you stayed up all night playing video games and I fell asleep alone. Home was where dirty dishes and unmade dinners were. Home was where I was told that I wasn’t doing enough because I wasn’t as eager to have sex anymore. Somehow, everything was my fault. We were..
When I came back, I continued to struggle financially and emotionally. With only one check supporting two people for 6 months, it starts to run dry. You kept assuring me that you would get a job, but I knew the truth. You weren’t filling out nearly enough applications, you were too concerned with telling your ex you loved her. Too busy sending pictures back and forth calling each other babe and saying that you missed each other. I had had ENOUGH. We were..
So I left you.
For someone who was so paranoid of being left alone, you sucked up most of the perfection in our relationship and replaced it with 1,000 lb shackles. Looking back, you were too weak to share that burden. You could never hold them like I did. I got stronger while you merely sunk into the arms that damaged you in the first place. I found myself again, while you found emptiness in a false love. I regained the confidence of the Amazons while you became nothing but someone who sits in a small room, behind an even smaller screen that hides just how SMALL your worth is.