Looking back at my previous relationships, they all ended badly. I left them feeling like I had wasted my time, sanity and care on someone who didn’t deserve it. I forgave them for things because I believed they would change, even after they proved that they wouldn’t. Most people have experienced something like this. But the question stands, how many chances is too many?
After a failed relationship you’ll constantly think back to the arguments and all of the times you should’ve called it quits. You’ll then ridicule yourself for not seeing the signs and find it hard to forgive yourself for the hurt someone else caused you. Unfortunately, you will feel like you almost deserved the hurt because you kept enabling them to do so.
I am someone who does this a lot and, if I’m being honest, every time I recall my previous relationships there is always one moment I think about more than the rest. If I were to describe it, it’s the most pivotal moment of the relationship. It’s the day I should have ended it. But when you’re in the heat of it all, it can be so hard to realize when this moment is. Even if the whole world is telling you, “This is it!”, you could still argue that it’s not.
This is something that really frustrates me and makes it incredibly hard to be in a relationship. It’s gotten to a point where it’s less about not trusting my partner and more about not trusting myself. I have accepted that my partner will do something to hurt me at one point or another during the time that we are together. Nobody is perfect. But, what truly worries me is that I will forgive them for hurting me one too many times and completely miss that “pivotal moment” I was talking about earlier. I did some research about this and I’ve compiled some advice that will help myself and all of you from making that mistake again.
Have a List of Deal Breakers
For everyone, one of your deal breakers should be any form of abuse. Whether it is physical, sexual, verbal, etc. But other deal breakers are determined by the individuals in the relationship. They can get a little subjective and won’t be the same level of severity for every couple. Some examples would be lying, cheating, hiding information, whether someone wants to have kids, how someone handle’s their finances, etc. Come up with at least 5 that you won’t compromise on.
Avoid Forgiving the Same Bad Decisions
There is bound to be a time that someone in the relationship will damage their partners faith in them. Depending on the level of severity, these things can be forgiven and the couple can work through it. However, when someone is displaying the same bad behavior over and over, you need to determine whether this person is capable of change. Old habits die hard and sometimes someone will keep hurting you the same way because you are enabling them to do so. At some point, the sooner the better, you have to put your foot down and say enough’s enough.
Do They Admit There’s A Problem?
When we choose to forgive people, it’s because we believe they can be better. When you’ve already invested so much of yourself into a relationship, you would rather see the good in the person than acknowledge the bad. But you have to acknowledge the bad, more than that, you have to get them to acknowledge the bad. People won’t change until they are able to identify their toxic behavior and why it needs to change.
Why Do You Want to Give Them Another Chance?
“Because I love him/her.” – This is a terrible reason to keep going. Honestly, it’s normally the people we love the most that we allow to keep hurting us. Love allows us to be blinded by how miserable someone is actually making us. There should be more substance to your relationship because at the end of the day you’ll find that you’re masking your fear of being alone with LOVE.
Self – Reflection
This is by far the most important thing to consider before giving someone another chance. Take a step back from your relationship, and really analyze who you are and how you feel. Think back to how you felt about yourself before this person got so entangled in your life. In the relationships that I gave too many chances, I found that I had lost my confidence. I would look at myself and I think “this is the best I’ll ever be.” Staying with someone whose bad for you will only take from who you are. If you feel like this person has chipped away at who you were and who you wanted to become, they aren’t worth another chance.
Relationships are hard and aren’t as easy as Hollywood leads us to believe. There is not always a happy ending and sometimes the people we choose to love simply aren’t worth it. While I hope this will help you in determining whether someone is worth another chance or not, in the end, it is you who must decide you deserve better. Don’t be afraid to let someone go, otherwise you could waste months or even years with the wrong person. Stop settling for less than you deserve and you’ll live your happiest life.